How honest are you with yourself?
I can feel when something I am choosing to do or say is not aligned with my truth. It doesn’t feel good. I’m not talking about little white lies or simple niceties that we say every day to our children, partners etc.
It’s the feeling I get when I say yes to doing something I really don’t feel good about doing. Or when I agree with someone because I don’t know what their reaction will be if I speak my truth or honest opinion.
It’s the thing we do when we agree to keep the peace or fit in all along knowing it doesn’t really resonate with your beliefs and values.
And I get it! It can be hard to be 100% true and honest all the time. For some the consequences can be severe and carry a threat of violence or other abuse. Sometimes we can lose our jobs speaking up and I am not advocating that you put yourself in any danger here. Instead perhaps work towards changing your circumstances so you can live a more aligned and peaceful life.
Let’s bring it a little closer to our heart and think about simpler things like how honest you are when a friend asks you about a like or dislike or which movie you want to watch or your opinion on the fit of a dress. Do you defer to “whatever you want is fine with me”? And maybe that is true sometimes, but if it isn’t – do you say so?
What about when you are dating someone and that feeling of unease over some things your new love interest says or does creeps into your awareness? Do you listen to that inkling or do you shove it away to not ‘ruin things’? Do you say something and then quickly back down when he/she doesn’t immediately agree or see your point?
This is important because this starts to create future relationship patterns of who decides what is done, considered, said etc. This is about boundaries and being true to yourself. Choose complete honesty and be willing to walk away from something because you no longer wish to live with “icky” feelings and behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable.
It’s not easy to be honest with yourself at all times. Especially not when we are out among others. We want to feel like we belong so we say things we might not really believe in or we deny our own feelings to not offend or disagree. This probably happens so often that we hardly even notice anymore.
I became aware of my role as a people pleaser and peace keeper when my marriage ended. I was a person who didn’t say no; who allowed bad behavior and generally abandoned my own boundaries in the name of keeping the peace. I did this with my husband and family not my friends who for the most part were very surprised to learn this about me when we divorced.
It caused me to lose myself. I vowed that would never happen again.
A big part of my healing was to keep a promise to myself to live a more truthful and soul-led life. This is a promise I have devoted much of my life to honoring. Some days it feels really easy and others really hard. But it always feels right.
Being honest with myself also shows me my need for approval and validation. Thankfully I need it from fewer people than before and less often.
I see my fear of rejection, but it has been losing strength since I started paying attention to it and healing the wounds that allowed this fear to grow.
I feel my need to belong and how it can cause me to deny my own feelings or to be silent instead of offering a difference of opinion – always working on that.
And when I am really honest with myself I also see myself putting up a good fight to bring others around to my opinion instead of accepting their difference. This comes from my egoic insecurities, but I can also see that I am learning to be more gentle in my efforts and less determined to win and instead enjoy the passionate discord and not see a difference of opinion as a reflection of my worth to the other.
When I am honest with myself I also see my value and strength. This isn’t conceited or arrogant. Instead I realize that without recognizing and sharing my innate gifts then how can I be of service as I feel so called to be.
I know I have value as a guide and mentor to my clients, students and members.
I know I am a good friend.
I also know that I am that friend who doesn’t remember all the special days and I don’t send cards when I should. Not because I don’t want to but because I just don’t think of it. And as someone who holds integrity (especially my own) as my highest value I can be very direct and ask a lot of my friends. Some call it being too honest (is there even such a thing?), blunt and “too much”. I accept this and choose not to judge myself as they are ;). My good friends love me, know this about me and don’t judge me for it – lucky me!
Being honest can also make us feel vulnerable as we don’t know how others will respond. It helps to remember;
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage”
~ Brene Brown
Those who judge me for who I am are welcome to hang around but I will not allow their judgment to hurt me or stop me from being who I am. That is their energy and not mine to be bothered with.
It is none of your business what others think of you.
During the course Freedom To RISE I teach my students to shine a bright spotlight into their soul’s shadows to see the wounds and old beliefs that determine their thinking, actions and current life results. They have to be very honest with themselves about their inner dialogue. They don’t always like what they learn about themselves, but they also see the power it has over them and now they can learn to let it go and start a whole new internal narrative.
How honest are you being with yourself?
And once you’ve got that figured out we will move onto forgiveness so stay tuned!
Warmly,
Elisabeth 🌸
The Separation Club Blog 