How to win in a divorce

What does “winning” mean to you?

If you read that heading and thought this is going to be about legal strategy, then you might be disappointed. However if you are ready to turn this awful life event into a win then keep reading.

So many asked me after our divorce ended in a trial if I won. My answer was no, how could I have won when we ended up in front of a judge because we couldn’t sort things out ourselves? How could I say I had won when it felt like I was spending $10 to get $5? How could it possibly feel like winning when our dirty laundry was being sorted out in a court with all kinds of highly paid professionals telling us what is right according to the law? I hated every second of that experience and I’m pretty sure he did too. The only winners were – yes you guessed it – the lawyers and their children who had their university degree paid for in three days of work. And this is not about trashing lawyers at all, they had to take care of what we couldn’t. And I’m not even saying I regret it – it’s what we had to do at the time. But I certainly believe that it could have been different had we both approached things differently.

Winning in divorce is not about getting the best settlement or gaining more time with the kids or having them like being with you more than the other parent. In my opinion, there are no winners in a divorce exactly because there is so much focus on winning or, in the absence of that, the focus is on not losing too much.

So what is the solution? Walk away and get nothing? Of course I am not saying that. But I do think we could stop always blaming everyone else from the lawyers, the system and your ex and perhaps allow ourselves to also look at our role in the fight. It takes two – always.

This is not an article on how to win legally and financially in divorce, but instead to focus on how to turn the end of this marriage into a win for the future. A launch pad of sorts, to a more satisfying and peaceful life. Aside from my legal woes I was able to do that and that was worth every penny I ‘left on the table’ and the peace of mind and soul led life that followed – priceless!

For me, the feeling of victory came when I reconnected with who I truly am and came here to be. Living my life from my heart and making soul led choices for my higher good. And no, this is not selfies. Everyone in our lives benefit when we start creating the life we want and deserve. 

We have all made mistakes and taken wrong turns. You would not be reading this if you hadn’t. And you will make many more. It’s all part of the human experience and thank goodness for that, meaning you are not alone. The problems begin when we let the ego lead the way and things like being right, being the wronged party, having the best lawyer, getting the biggest settlement or more time with the kids become more important than peace of mind and heart. 

What if we all were raised to live from the heart and to view success as having loving and fair relationships and interactions instead of competition and one-upmanship? Sound idealistic and thus unrealistic? I sure hope not because that would be so sad.

Why would we choose to scoff at those ideals and accept that it can’t be that way while we are fully willing to accept that fighting is just a way of life. Isn’t peace the way to stop the war?

First we have to accept that the change starts right here with you and me.

Living with joy-filled life requires letting love lead the way. Love for self and others. Unconditional love and compassion are the required tools and game-changers. I believe this and I know it. It can’t happen overnight obviously because we have gone so far the other way and spent centuries doing so. But over time, with more and more love and raised consciousness we can start a wave. In fact, it has already started. And I think you know it – you feel it too right?

Didn’t the global pandemic show us that? This mutual, global problem touched us all. In the beginning it brought us together. No matter where you lived in this world you were touched by this. But just as the fear initially brought us together… for a moment… it eventually divided us and still does. And once we felt the fear it divided us further and the chosen weapons were the differences of opinions and beliefs in policies implemented. Division fueled by ego and wanting to win and be right in our view and chosen lifestyle. So much fear that it pushed people on either side to resort to playground bullying in the media and on the streets to prove themselves right. Suddenly it wasn’t ok to have a difference of opinion. 

This shows up exactly the same in our families when a marriage ends. Suddenly this person you have spent years, possibly decades with, is your enemy and one you must win over and they want the same. Compassion for mutual suffering is gone and replaced with desire for revenge and a lack of compassion that truthfully makes me feel so sad for the human race.

So I ask you, no I beg you, to take a look deep in your heart and soul and ask yourself who you really are and how you want to show up in this big and life changing moment in your life? What if you chose to divorce following your heart? What would be different? This is a great journaling prompt by the way ;).

We all have flaws. You know your ex’s, but are you honest with yourself about your flaws? Denying them gives them power. Only when we accept who we truly are without judgment, can we hope to improve upon those “imperfections”. Remember – you really are perfectly imperfect.

Being honest with yourself is the ability to hear and acknowledge your true desires and to realize mistakes and apologize if you are wrong. Trusting your inner truth instead of making choices to suit expectations and opinions of others is living with sincerity and living from a place of inner peace and self-love. Do you feel ready to choose that?

Try to start the day in that mindset. Place your hand on your heart and ask yourself; who do I want to be today? How do I want to show up as a person and as a mother? I think you will be amazed at how positively this can impact your life. For me it meant freedom to live a soul-led life here with you. 

Want to join me on this magnificent and magical journey?

I will be exploring all this along with my Rising Moon Sisters at our next retreat. I know that showing up for yourself and joining other women as they do the same, encouraging them and cheering them on, as well as yourself, will always feel like a huge WIN. Are you ready to win with us?

Join us at the next Rising Moon Sisters Retreat 🙂

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