Divorce Decisions – the big and the bigger ones

How are you at making decisions? Big decisions that is..

And how are you at making decisions when you are crying several times per day and feel like your world has been flipped upside down?

…ya, me too.

It’s actually one of the reasons I decided to become a Separation Coach as opposed to Divorce Coach. It’s when we first separate or are thinking of separating that so many big questions and potential decisions start showing up and have to be made. 

It can feel very overwhelming.

I made a decision very early in my separation which I now realize changed everything for me following that. And it wasn’t a financial one, or a legal one. It wasn’t about the kids or the house. It wasn’t even about ‘us’.

I made a decision to take care of myself each and every day. Yes – I decided to practice excellent self-care. And before you dismiss this as irrelevant – I challenge you to keep reading. I am talking to you and I know this is important for you and your family.

Thank you 🫶🏻  

Something inside told me that the only way I was going to get through this in one piece was to be good to myself and show up for myself every day, even if it was in the tiniest way.

So I showered and put on real clothes (you know – with buttons and zippers) and did my hair every day. I made sure my clothes looked good and that I in general felt put together. I exercised most days and I spent time with people who love me. These small acts of valuing myself made me feel worthy despite the affair and loved (by me) despite that I was now alone.

And because of this I was able to face the bigger decisions with a little more ease, a lot less fear and make them from the right place and for the right reasons. I was able to show up as the mom I had always been and wanted to be and as the person I strived to be regardless of circumstances. I’m not saying it was always easy – on the contrary. But it helped me face my kids when they questioned what was happening and I slept well at night – at least metaphorically… truth is my broken heart and stress kept me awake for months…but I think that’s pretty normal.

And, I was able to heal faster because I made myself the priority during this time. I knew that if let go of my self-care routine then the rest would fall apart as well.

In my work with my clients and the thousands of women in my Facebook group one of the first things I ask them is about their self-care practices. Their answers are any or several of the following:

“What is self-care?”

“I don’t have time for that now”

“I’ll get to that once my divorce is done” (this can take years by the way)

“I can’t afford self-care right now”

“I’m such a people pleaser I don’t know how to do that”

And thankfully I also hear; “Yes I have a great self-care practice in place and it’s really helping me!” Which one(s) resonates most with you?

And are you starting to see the link between self-care and making big decisions? That it’s about trusting yourself and valuing yourself enough to make the right one for YOU. And loving yourself so deeply that you give yourself what you need when you need it.

When was the last time you asked yourself what you need to heal and to feel better? And if you did ask – did you give that to yourself?

I know how hard it is for you to put your needs on top of the list. I know because I speak with so many women just like you. I know because I was you.

You say no to therapy, counseling and coaching for yourself and prioritize your legal bills and everything else.

You say no to yourself for the kids, not realizing that they need you to be your strongest and best more than they need anything else.

You even say no to yourself out of fear of what your ex might say or because you feel guilty and want them to have more.

I learned from my coach once that men are much better at making decisions than women are, and especially decisions that help them personally. 

You might think to yourself that it’s because they are selfish, but that is not true. Instead, they know what they need and they are willing to do that or make that decision and hire the coach, the personal trainer or purchase the course or whatever it is they believe will help them.

I also learned that it’s people who make decisions quickly who do well in life and get what they want and I’m not just talking about money and business matters.

Think about it. 

When was the last time you allowed yourself to make a quick, impactful and perhaps expensive decision that you knew would be good for you

It might feel really, super scary in the moment but as soon as the decision is made and the money paid you feel relief and even excitement about what this will do for you.

That’s how I felt when I hired my last coach and paid thousands more than I had for the coaching program. 

It’s also how my client felt when she was debating the Costa Rica retreat coming up in March, and then made the decision to go. She couldn’t make her deposit fast enough. She wanted to be locked in. She wanted to and was ready to make this decision for herself. She knew she had to. And I can’t wait to meet her in person in Costa Rica!

So, now over to you: Is there a decision you have been waiting to make? Or hesitating over? Or that you haven’t made because you’re afraid to?

Perhaps you are trying to decide about a trip, a course or whether to hire a coach? 

What is holding you back? Be honest with yourself and then ask yourself: What are you giving up if you don’t make this decision for yourself? Read that again please.

I would love for you to share you answer with us below. And while you are making decisions – perhaps coming to our Costa Rica retreat is the right one for you as well as my client! 😍🤸🏼‍♀️👙🌴 We would love to meet you there!! (women only – sorry).

Hope to see you soon and in the meantime – thank you for reading. I truly appreciate you and your time.

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